It’s sobering in these times of austerity that a consultant is currently offering his services to the NHS for an hourly rate of £666. One of the skills listed on his CV? Cost savings and reward management. Nice work if you can get it.

 

It’s nice to see in this age of squeaky clean, wheat grass munching thespians a throwback like Charlie Sheen.

Sheen, god bless his Hawaiian print socks, has had numerous run-ins with the law involving ex-wives, guns, cocaine, alcohol and prostitutes as well as starred in some masterful clangers including Navy Seals and Hot Shots: Part Deux.

I’ve got a soft spot for him although I’m sure his former partners are less forgiving.

His latest run-in with the law combined most of the above mentioned debauchery in one uber blow-out that led to his arrest (again). Long may you reign.

 

The prospect of coming into work these days is akin to clocking in at a Siberian gulag. Our boss, the seemingly benign Sith apprentice, permanently teeters on the edge of boiling point while we scuttle around trying to avoid contact with her.

She increasingly communicates through angry glares and terse emails while clumping around like Captain Ahab on the main deck (where is the whale when you need it?).

Someone passed her the other day with a ‘cheer up, it might never happen’ which is guaranteed to piss anyone off.  She bit deep into the lemon on that one before forcing out a weak smile as it was a superior. I tried hard not to laugh.

 

The local council is keen for people to keep their front gardens tidy in an effort keep up appearances and make the neighbourhood look smart.

It appears this homeowner has given the council the royal fuck you by creating an outside living room. I think it’s called tramp chic.

 

Humans generate enough madness in the world without conjuring up visions of the devil and blaming it on satanic hocus pocus. Too much TV. Too much religion.

 

‘Behavior is the mirror in which everyone shows their image.’

Johann Goethe, writer and good bod

 

Engine failure, adverse weather conditions, terrorists and running out of fuel are just a few of the calamities that can befall an airline pilot on a bad day.

No-one expected the threat to come from an escaped crocodile but that’s what happened in Africa when one of the scaly ones was smuggled on board.

Passengers rushed into the cockpit in the ensuing panic causing the plane to be thrown off balance and crash.

The crocodile survived only to be killed with a machete on the ground. Bummer.

 

The greatest threat facing anyone dipping their toes into a British river is getting snaggled on an old sanitary pad or discarded shopping trolley.

Angler Jeremy Wade hooked something more formidable during a fishing trip along a remote stretch of the Congo River, Africa, when he reeled in a five-foot long Goliath tigerfish.

The river, which winds through several countries, was recently subject to an extensive trawl by biologists who found a variety of different species.

What we’re seeing here is kind of evolution on steroids,” said team leader Melanie Stiassny, a fish biologist at the American Museum of Natural History.

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