The question of the office xmas lunch has surfaced like a ripe corpse. It’s a torturous affair wherever you go and those couple of hours over the dining table are always strained.

I’d rather eat my cheese sandwiches in the windswept corner of the car park than suffer another one of those affairs thinly spread with festive bon aimee and stilted conversation. I declined on the grounds that I can’t afford it and to hell with the consequences.

 

A thief continues to sip and sup their way through other departments milk supply at work much to the anger of some individuals. I came across one of the moaners whipping themselves into a righteous fury about it in the kitchen today.

“It’s theft, you know,” they told a disinterested me. “I work as a community police officer and they could be technically charged for that.

“I don’t really care to be honest,” I replied in a delivery that would have had them applauding in the eaves of the Lyceum.

“Do you use other people’s milk for tea then?”

“Yes, I do,” I replied airily before drifting out.

 

The boss is starting to unravel at the seams as the tide of government reforms begins to wash away the foundations of the past three years work. Snapping turtle is served up daily and general pleasantries such as acknowledging your staff’s existence left by the wayside.

“if you aren’t looking for another job, you should be,” was her last priceless gem of team building.

The path to hell is a gradual slope but we are gathering speed nicely and everyone remains button lipped. It’s all so very British. If this was Mexico the machetes would have been whetted and the heads rolling.

 

The portals of Hell finally creaked open this week with confirmation that half of our workforce will be sacked in January as part of health minister Andrew Lansley’s vision of a new slimline National Health Service.  The zeal with which our impeding demise is being brought about hasn’t been matched since the sacking of Jerusalem and our glorious leader even managed to lace the bad news with a few jokes.

He reasoned that it was far better to know where we all stood with the minimum of ‘fuss’. And what cheerier way to do so than letting the condemned know by Christmas that we’d be starting 2011 on the dole. I could see a few disgruntled staff weighing up whether or not to throttle him as he appealed for us to remain professional while being cast to the wolves.

 

My boss did her usual Miss Brodie of the Upper Fifth routine today when asking what we should get the uber boss as a present.

“What do you think?” she asked me in her usual clipped tone.

“I don’t know. What about some tea bags?” I said momentarily flicking my eyes up from the computer screen to meet her joyless mask.

“Tea bags? Is that a joke?”

“And chocolate. Tea bags and chocolate.”

“I think we should get her some flowers.”

“You can’t eat flowers and if we get chocolates she’s bound to offer them around.”

Tea bags and chocolate it was. Don’t say I don’t treat them right.

 

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.
They seem more afraid of life than death.
-James F. Byrnes

 

 

 

If anyone is interested in some simple tips on wildlife photography the attached newsletter will be of interest. Yes, a very droll blog indeed.

 

There’s some angry people out there as I discovered on the catchily named ‘Crap Cycling and Walking‘ blog which unleashes an impressive tide of bile on my local council and its seemingly benign efforts to improve, you guessed it, cycling and walking.

It seems those fiends at Waltham Forest Council can do no good. I found the road rage blog particularly amusing which lists the various assaults on cyclists by belligerent motorists including a classic comment by a cyclist who reported feeling ‘tremendous pain’ when a lorry ran over him. It’s no laughing matter but I did anyway.

I must admit my own road rage has increased tenfold since taking to two wheels but it’s largely directed at the antics of fellow cyclists who would have made fine kamikaze pilots in a past life.

I expect to be featured on the road rage blog shortly.

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