War, riots, rising unemployment and civil disobedience. It’s like the Conservative Party has never been away.

 

It doesn’t pay to take a dump in the boss’s toilet as police detective Alois Mabhunu discovered after pinching a loaf in the presidential toilet during a trade fair in Zimbabwe.

President Robert Mugabe is not a man to cross at the best of times and Mabhuna has spend the past three weeks in custody awaiting sentencing.

 

Footballer Ryan Giggs drops his pants and tries to vainly cover up with a court gagging order.

 

The moronic inferno is being stoked higher by the day with William Hague rattling his stick in the can. How did that over zealous boy scout become our Foreign Secretary? It was all brought into beautiful relief a couple of weeks ago when the front page of one of the red tops ran the headline ‘You couldn’t run a bath’ highlighting his questionable diplomatic skills in Libya. What can we expect next? Sending our 15 tanks into action against the Red Army?

Anyone who appears on stage with Margaret Thatcher as a teenager should be sealed away in a drum with ‘break only in cases of emergency’ stamped on the front of it.

 

It seems the British public have to endure an almost daily roll call of government cuts, sorry savings, to public services.

The not-so gorgeous Chancellor George Osborne is warming to his role as a fiscal Jack the Ripper. No doubt, we’ll wake up to find our collective throats cut one day.

And I was worried about global warming or being blown up.

 

Some amusing newspaper mistakes and juxtapositions that have appeared in print:

·        We all know that aging is a fact of life but it doesn’t have to be a death sentence.

·        The former Labour minister leading the campaign compared the Chancellor to Mrs Rochester, the man woman in Charles Dickens’ novel Jane Eyre.

·        John Fielding was Henry Fielding’s blind half-brother, not half-blind brother as earlier stated (from a correction that was printed).

·        Chemise and matching French knockers.

·        He was hell-bent on becoming a priest.

 

It’s been quite a week for the spiritual shepherds of the world.

In the western corner we have Pastor Terry Jones doing his bit for global harmony with his will he, won’t he burn a Koran saga, while  papal emissary  Walter Kasper declared that Britain was a third world country.

Not wanting to be outshone Islamic extremists have taken umbrage at a north African nightclub called Meca saying it is an insult to Islam forced its closure.

Good job they don’t know about the Mecca bingo chain.

 

The commander of US forces in Afghanistan General David Petraeus described his task as: “Building an advanced aircraft while it is in flight, while it is being designed and while it is being shot at.”

Sounds like your onto a winner there, David (not).

 

India is limbering up for the forthcoming Commonwealth Games in New Delhi with a bit of psychological foreplay in the shape of Mallakhamb.

The practitioners of this ancient form of gymnastic will be parading their contortionist skills during the opening ceremony.

The gravity defying gymnasts do their stuff with the aid of a vertical wooden pole or rope in some eye watering displays of strength and balance.

And none of this lot made the Indian gymnastics team? If I was a British athlete I wouldn’t bother getting on the plane.

 

The British Government’s latest idea for saving money is to share an aircraft carrier with France. It is the mother of bean-counters’ solutions.

A real smart idea considering we sunk most of the French Navy in 1940 to avoid the possibility of it falling into German hands and have spent most of the last 1,000 years in conflict with our neighbours.

And France’s great navel contribution of recent years? Sinking a Greenpeace ship in 1985 because of its interference in their nuclear testing site in the Pacific.

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