What is it with men singing in public? The guy in the next shower cubicle might think he sounds like Barry Manilow, his mum most probabaly thinks he’s got the voice of an angel but to me it sounds like a cat having its balls crushed in a vice. It was only surpassed by some school kids on the bus doing their Beyonce impression to a mobile ring tone. Come back Dr Mengele. All is forgiven.


Salons seem to have the monopoly on bad business names.

Choice names among hair dressers in San Francisco include Blown Away, Grateful Head, Hair Me Out, Mane Attraction, She Bangz and Snippety Cricket.

It must be all that industrial strength hair spray they inhale everyday.


I went into the gym shower this morning full of joie de vivre only to discover someone had dumped on the floor. A real classy joint. What do they do at home? Smear it over the walls?

It is the latest in a series of hygiene horrors at Virgin Active including people leaving corn plasters on the changing room floor, discarded razors, hand-basins full of shavings that haven’t been washed away, old socks, pants and the odd sweat eaten training shoe.

You’d find better grooming habits in the chimp house at London Zoo


The film industry and its associated parasites are never more disingenuous and self serving than when they are promoting their product.

There are few things that stick in my craw more than seeing some actor/actress extolling the virtues of appearing in Shrek 3 or the existential experience of Piranha II.

Hell, Adrien Brody was even spinning a line recently about his new film Predators telling us it was an evolutionary thread from the original. Give me a break. How dare he sully the role of Arnie’s gun toting alien exterminator

It takes a couple of old-timers to tell it like it is sometimes and admit they appear in crap films to fill up the financial coffers.

Two examples come to mind.

Brit stalwart Miachael Caine made no bones about the reasons behind starring in Jaws 3: the revenge saying: “I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.”

Alex Guinness also told it as it is after getting fed up with his role as Jedi master Obi Wan in Star Wars saying: “I just couldn’t go on speaking those bloody awful, banal lines. I’d had enough of the mumbo jumbo.”


The British are great for not complaining which is why we endure the worst customer service in the world.

Rude in-attentive restaurant staff, vacant eyed shop assistants, curmudgeonly bus drivers and butter that wouldn’t melt in my mouth bankers are all common obstacles to a decent life.

Americans must get a shock to the system coming from a country where the customer comes first. And that’s before they’ve even met a London cabbie who takes the ‘scenic’ route to the hotel.

I saw Falling Down again recently featuring a disgruntled and heavily armed Michael Douglas taking the fight to the service industry. It warmed the cockles of my heart. To think we could improve service with the swing of a baseball bat.

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