Nov 062011
 

Had the pleasure (not) of taking the nipper to see The Smurfs – The Movie yesterday at the local cinema. There is a kid’s club every Saturday morning and entering the auditorium was a return to Bedlam. Screaming kids, popcorn flying all over the place, vacant faced parents steeling themselves for 90 minutes of boredom while pumping their offspring up with industrial levels of sugar. It was a long 90 minutes.

 

 

Prevue is a free film review magazine you’ll find in the foyer of Vue cinemas.

It describes forthcoming film The Expendables as ‘a touching and thought provoking emotional drama.’

Great, I think. An intellectual French weepy about immigrant factory workers. I eagerly read on…

‘The Expendables are a group of mercenaries headed up by Barney Ross (Stallone). Fearless and void of emotion, his only attachment is to his pickup truck, his seaplane and his team.

Behind him stand Lee Christmas (Statham); former SAS knifeman, Yin Yang, master of close quarter combat; Hale Ceasar (Crews), long-barrel weapons specialist; demolitions expert, Toll Road (Couture); and Gunnar Jensen, a combat veteran and expert sniper.

When Barney takes on a job to infiltrate a South American country to overthrow its ruthless dictator, he thinks it will be a routine mission. Soon this crack squad of ultimate killers…’

Yes, it certainly does sound ‘touching and thought provoking.’

How many people will Stallone kill? Will ex-Bridget Neilsen sue for more alimony if it’s a hit? How many more Transporter films can Jason Statham make?

I will certainly be going to see it.

 

It’s a sad day when Disney’s top ten list of pantomime villains out scares a recent cinema top 50 featuring old popcorn shakers like sex telephonist Darth Vader, the shark from Jaws and Ming the Merciless.

All manner of axe wielding maniac stagger across the screen these days with all the panache of production line food blenders.

Some try to inject gravitas and RADA training into proceedings like Raulph ‘I was rogered by Olivier’ Fiennes and his sock mumbling performance as Harry Potter nemesis Voldemort.

Others try and scare us with fava beans, bad hair cuts and even badder accents (we love you really Dolph. Just don’t do any more speaking parts).

What we need is some cerebral uber nasty who is preferably green, of alien origin, hates humans and has no redeeming features.

Enter comic book hero Dan Dare’s arch foe the Mekon, ousted leader of the Treens of Northern Venus (see poster above).

Brilliant! You couldn’t come up with anything better on an acid trip. And it gets even better.  He is a genetically engineered monster whose body has atrophied to accommodate his huge melon sized head.

His primary mode of transport is a levitating chair that new health minister Andrew Lansley has reputedly bought the rights to in order to sack hospital orderlies.

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