“Nowhere in the world will you find a statue of a critic, or the biography of a committee.”

David Puttnam, film director


 

‘You cannot judge the importance of things by the noise they make.’

Goodbye Mr Chips

 

Mar 042011
 

Good films are like London buses. You wait for one forever then two turn up together. Who would have thought a film about a stutterer (The King’s Speech) and ballet (The Black Swan) would prove so entertaining?

Black Swan is so gloriously barmy and OTT you stumble into the post performance daylight feeling like you’ve been ten rounds. Harry Potter your time is up.

 

Does life mirror art or art mirror life? This is the question Leonardo DiCaprio should be asking after starring in his latest film Inception.

The plot revolves around a group of ‘mind thieves’ who enter their victims’ subconscious and ‘extract’ vital information for their clients.

Imagine a sort of mental corporate espionage, such as stealing Mr Kipling’s latest cake recipe while the great man slumbers, and you’ve got the gist of Inception

It’s quite enjoyable hokum but then Leo goes all earnest on us explaining that he can plant the seed of an idea in an unsuspecting mind and set in place a chain of events that will alter the subject’s life.

It got me thinking. Has young Leo has been a victim of this practice himself?

I believe someone planted a seed in his mind that he was a good actor.

And by god, he believes it.

 

Gadzooks. I can’t believe they have re-made Piranha which was possibly the worst ever premise for a horror film bar killer rabbit movie Night of the Lepus.

The original film, which the director loftily tells us was a parody of Jaws, focused on the aftermath of military project to infest the rivers of ‘Nam with genetically modified piranha.

Cue skinny dipping teenagers being devoured ten to the dozen, gratuitous riverbank sex and the waterways of America running red with theatrical blood.

The sequel featured flying piranha – now THAT is more like it – so the body count could be cranked up and land lubbers sunning themselves on the river bank could be slaughtered by the ensuing airborne assault.

Hollywood’s greedy maxim that a remake is guaranteed a quick financial return is threatening to back-end itself into current releases they are so desperate to keep the money flowing.

Expect a musical remake of Harry Potter within the year.

 

Prevue is a free film review magazine you’ll find in the foyer of Vue cinemas.

It describes forthcoming film The Expendables as ‘a touching and thought provoking emotional drama.’

Great, I think. An intellectual French weepy about immigrant factory workers. I eagerly read on…

‘The Expendables are a group of mercenaries headed up by Barney Ross (Stallone). Fearless and void of emotion, his only attachment is to his pickup truck, his seaplane and his team.

Behind him stand Lee Christmas (Statham); former SAS knifeman, Yin Yang, master of close quarter combat; Hale Ceasar (Crews), long-barrel weapons specialist; demolitions expert, Toll Road (Couture); and Gunnar Jensen, a combat veteran and expert sniper.

When Barney takes on a job to infiltrate a South American country to overthrow its ruthless dictator, he thinks it will be a routine mission. Soon this crack squad of ultimate killers…’

Yes, it certainly does sound ‘touching and thought provoking.’

How many people will Stallone kill? Will ex-Bridget Neilsen sue for more alimony if it’s a hit? How many more Transporter films can Jason Statham make?

I will certainly be going to see it.

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