Our beloved finance team has emailed its latest list of austerity measures detailing how we must engage in shallow breathing during office time to save the NHS oxygen.

The three most laughable recommendations for cutting this year’s multi-million pound debt include switching to second class postage stamps, reducing use of stationary and cutting down the availability of hospitality sandwiches for meetings.

The one that really got me puffing was ensuring ‘the Sickness Policy is implemented effectively.’

Anyone reading my curmudgeonly diatribes will know what a joke that is considering the antics of our resident office skiver who’s off again this week.

What next? Water rationing and licking down envelopes to save on glue? It looks like we’ll be breaking up the furniture for firewood this winter.


Oops. Looks like the skiver’s granny really did kick the bucket last week when I suspected him of using it as an elaborate ploy to watch the World Cup.

This may, of course, be some deep cover deception designed to detract even the hardest of cynics from scenting his latest break for the border.

Still, we have three weeks of the tournament left and plenty of scope for skiver to go down with some bogus ailment or vague all afternoon meeting at an undisclosed location (the front of his TV).

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