It doesn’t pay to take a dump in the boss’s toilet as police detective Alois Mabhunu discovered after pinching a loaf in the presidential toilet during a trade fair in Zimbabwe.

President Robert Mugabe is not a man to cross at the best of times and Mabhuna has spend the past three weeks in custody awaiting sentencing.

 

You can show three reactions on walking into a toilet and being assailed by an incumbent’s curtain of stink. All three must be delivered by banging the door shut when exiting for dramatic effect :

1). ‘What a f*****g stink.’ (Pause, then bang the door shut).

2). ‘For God’s sake!’ (Give a little strangled choke for effect before banging the door shut hard).

3) You dirty b******.’ (Really put your weight into a full door slam on this one).

It is, of course, pointlessly childish but provides some light entertainment during the day. And to think the Japanese invented a tablet some years ago to stop your excrement smelling? A fascinating and industrious race from who we could learn much. David Cameron take note.

 

What do you do if you are caught short in a public house and find there is no toilet paper?

My wife recounted several years after we met about how the landlady of a pub we used to drink in was telling her about the habits of what she described as a ‘filthy swine of a customer.’

And the source of her rage ? The indignity of having to fish an excrement covered sock out of the gents toilet that had caused it to overflow.

I listened with a small self-satisfied smirk of on my face.

“Yes, that was me.” I said matter-of-factly.

“There was no toilet paper, as usual, and I don’t prescribe to the Indian hand method.”

If the landlady had found the offending item that night, barred the doors, and ordered everyone to raise their trouser legs I would have been done for.

The moral of this tale – apart from the fact that I’m so fantastically rich that I afford to flush socks down the loo – is provide your customer with the basic amenities.

A toilet door is a good start followed by loo paper and a tap that works.

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